Beyond the Chore Chart: Navigating Neurodivergence, Emotional Needs, and Deeper Connection in Relationships
Part 4 in a multi-part blog series highlighting the mental load women feel being the household CEO while their neurospicy partner says, "Just tell me what to do!" This series tackles the frustration, the fights, the endless to do list and the love (and gainfully employed individual and couples therapists) that keeps everyone together.
Katheryn Barton, M.Ed., LPC, is a dedicated couples therapist based in St. Louis, Missouri.
She specializes in helping partners move beyond surface-level conflicts to strengthen emotional connection and communication. With advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method, Katheryn provides a compassionate, evidence-based approach to relationship challenges. She is currently pursuing EFT certification under supervision and integrates her background in sign language and mental health education into an inclusive, client-centered practice.
One of the most common struggles I hear from couples—especially those where one partner is neurodivergent—is about the division of labor at home.
“If we could just figure out the chore situation, we’d be fine.”
Sound familiar?
Whether it’s laundry left in the dryer (again), a forgotten bill, or the mental load of managing the household falling unevenly—these are real stressors. But as a therapist, what I often find is that the argument about chores isn’t just about chores. It’s about something deeper:
“Do you see me?”
“Do you value the load I am carrying?”
“Do you care about what I need?”
“Do I matter?”
When you're in a relationship with a neurodivergent partner—someone with ADHD, autism, sensory processing differences, or another form of neurodivergence—these dynamics can become even more layered. What looks like avoidance or lack of effort on the surface might actually be executive functioning struggles, emotional regulation challenges, or sensory overwhelm. And what looks like nagging or micro-managing from the other partner might be an attempt to feel less alone or unsupported.
It’s Not Just About Getting Stuff Done
We live in a world that emphasizes productivity and efficiency. But relationships don’t thrive on checklists. They thrive on connection, attunement, and emotional safety.
And this is where many couples—especially those under chronic stress—get stuck. They’re doing everything they can to keep the household running, but feeling increasingly disconnected from each other in the process. What’s missing isn’t just shared responsibilities. It's a shared understanding.
Vulnerability Is Hard—But Essential
I often ask couples in session:
“What is something that is really hard to share with your partner?”
Answers vary, but there’s usually a common thread: fear.
Fear of hurting their partner’s feelings
Fear of making things worse
Fear of being too much, or not enough
Fear of being the problem
Fear of being alone in the relationship
So instead of saying, “I feel overwhelmed and invisible,” someone might say, “You never help me.”
Instead of saying, “I’m scared I’m disappointing you,” someone might shut down completely.
In neurodiverse relationships, this emotional gap can grow even wider when each partner processes and communicates feelings differently. The neurodivergent partner may struggle to articulate what they’re feeling in the moment, while the neurotypical partner might feel increasingly emotionally disconnected and unsure how to reach them.
So What Actually Helps?
Here’s what I guide couples toward in therapy:
1. Name What’s Underneath the Surface
The next time you're in a familiar conflict (like dishes or clutter), try pausing and asking yourself:
“What am I really feeling right now?”
“What do I actually need from my partner?”
It might be connection. It might be reassurance. It might be help regulating your own overwhelmed nervous system. Maybe I am feeling overwhelmed and like I am alone in this.
2. Practice Compassionate Curiosity
Instead of assuming your partner doesn’t care, try something like this:
“Help me understand what feels challenging about this.”
“I notice this pattern coming up and I find myself wondering what’s happening beneath the surface.”
“I am curious if there is more to this than we are realizing…”
These statements invite dialogue without placing the other person on the defensive, which is especially helpful in emotionally sensitive conversations.
When we come from curiosity instead of criticism, we invite more honesty, not defensiveness.
3. Create Shared Language for Emotional Needs
Many neurodivergent folks didn’t grow up with a language for emotions—or may have processed them internally rather than out loud. Creating a shared vocabulary (even something as simple as a 1–10 scale or color codes for moods) can bridge gaps and reduce miscommunication.
4. Schedule Check-Ins for Connection—Not Logistics
Carve out time each week that isn’t about bills or meal plans. Instead, ask:
“How are we doing emotionally?”
“Is there anything you need more or less from me?”
“What’s something you appreciated about me this week?”
These micro-moments of repair build emotional trust over time.
5. Acknowledge and Honor Differences
Neurodivergence doesn’t need to be “fixed.” But it does need to be understood—by both partners. That might mean learning more about each other’s brain wiring, co-regulation needs, sensory boundaries, or time blindness. It also means making space for both partners to feel seen, supported, and safe to be their full selves.
The Deeper Components of a Strong Relationship
It’s not about who folded the towels or emptied the dishwasher.
It’s about:
Feeling like you’re on the same team.
Trusting that your needs matter.
Knowing that even when things get hard, you’re still choosing each other.
And feeling emotionally safe enough to say the scary thing, the real thing, without it threatening the bond between you.
At the end of the day, what helps couples thrive—especially when navigating the complexities of neurodiversity—isn’t perfection. It’s presence. It’s repair. It’s the willingness to keep learning how to love each other better, even when the road feels bumpy.
If you and your partner are feeling stuck, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure it all out on your own. Therapy can offer a supportive space to rebuild trust, learn new tools, and rediscover the reasons you chose each other in the first place.
